Co-parenting after separation can be challenging. If communication between parents has broken down, tensions can rise quickly, especially when important decisions need to be made regarding issues such as the children’s education, health, and overall welfare.
Every family is different, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to co-parenting. However, practical steps can be taken by you to manage a difficult co-parenting relationship. The tips below aim to help reduce conflict in relation to the children, protect your position, and work towards obtaining more positive and stable long-term arrangements for the children.
Stay child-focused
Try to keep any discussions with your co-parent centred on your child’s needs and what will work best for them. This approach will help you find areas of common ground and agreement. Staying child-focused also means avoiding bringing up past grievances or frustrations linked to the relationship breakdown, as these can lead to unnecessary disagreements. Try to use calm, neutral language, and if matters start to escalate, bring the focus of the conversation back to what is best for your child, or take a break from the conversation and try again on another day. For difficult or important topics, it can be helpful to plan what you want to communicate and give the other parent notice in advance. This allows you both to prepare for the discussion and ensure you can focus on the key issue. If necessary, you could create an agenda to help keep the conversation on track and ensure you stay child-focused.
Avoid involving the children in conflict
It is important to protect children from parental conflict. Witnessing conflict can have a lifelong impact on a child in terms of their emotional well-being and development. This includes refraining from speaking negatively about the other parent, as comments of this kind can be harmful to the children by making them feel caught in the middle or pressured to take sides. You should also always communicate with the other parent directly and never ask your child to be a messenger. If you need to have a difficult conversation, you should do it in a place where your child cannot hear you, which can otherwise result in children feeling stressed and withdrawn.
Managing communication
In high-conflict co-parenting situations, you may find it helpful to keep communication in writing. Written correspondence gives co-parents time to think about their responses, which can reduce quick emotional reactions that aren’t always constructive. You might want to consider using a specialised app for communicating about your children, which allows you to manage messages and review them at a time that works best for you. One example is OurFamilyWizard (further information can be accessed at https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/), which includes features such as filters to flag or block inappropriate language, and a tone monitor to promote more constructive communication. Creating a communication plan with your ex-partner can also help maintain healthy dialogue, by providing clear guidelines for methods and frequency of contact.
Stick to agreements (where possible)
If you already have a parenting plan or a Court order in place, you should try to stick to this arrangement as much as possible. Consistency is important to provide your children with a predictable routine and stability. Sticking to these agreements will help to limit the opportunity for disagreements between you and your co-parent, it can be very frustrating and upsetting for children and the other co-parent when someone is unreliable and cannot appreciate the impact of their unreliability. If the parenting plan or Court order simply isn’t working anymore, it might be time to review it and you may want to talk about that with a mediator to see what tweaks need to be made.
Support and resources for co-parenting
There are also various resources and organisations that can help you navigate a difficult co-parenting relationship:
- CAFCASS is an organisation that supports children whose parents have separated and are unable to agree on future arrangements for their children. They offer a range of resources for both children and adults, which includes a parenting plan which parents can utilise for arrangements for the children. You can access further information here: https://www.cafcass.gov.uk.
- Kids Come First is an organisation led by Resolution members, which provides bespoke workshops and support for separating or divorcing parents. They offer child-focused guidance within these workshops, that aims to minimise parental conflict and promote the co-parenting relationship. You can contact this organisation or book a workshop on the following link: https://kidscomefirstuk.co.uk/.
- The Co-Parenting Method offers a structured programme that provides practical tools, techniques, and strategies to help separated parents to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and create effective and child-focused parenting plans. They offer online coaching and resources to promote healthier co-parenting relationships, which prioritise the children’s well-being. For more information, visit: https://thecoparentingmethod.com/.
- There is also the ‘Parenting Through Separation’ Resolution Guide, which provides valuable tips and guidance on managing your co-parenting relationship and prioritising the children’s needs. This comprehensive resource can be read online and accessed through the following link: https://resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help/parents-children-the-law/parenting-through-separation//.
Take early legal advice
If the situation with your co-parent becomes unmanageable, you should seek legal advice for support and guidance as to the next steps. Make sure you instruct a Resolution lawyer, as they follow the Resolution Code of Practice and focus on respectful communication, using clear and constructive language, and resolving matters in a practical way without the need for Court where possible. Resolution members will take you through all the support available and guidance on next steps, including non-court dispute resolution methods to avoid lengthy and costly Court battles where possible.
How Moore Barlow can help
Our family team can offer you calm, pragmatic, and constructive advice if you are currently experiencing ongoing challenges with a difficult co-parent. We can support you with how to manage your co-parent and any disagreements you may be having in relation to the children. We understand it can be frustrating and draining. Obtaining early legal advice can help you navigate this challenging relationship and ensure that you have a clear plan in relation to the children for the future.
Contact us today to speak to one of our experienced family solicitors, who will be happy to help.
