Many parents are navigating a separate Christmas for the first time, or are still trying to find a balance and figure out how to effectively co parent over the Christmas period.
Victoria Walker, family lawyer shares the top five problems separated parents might face and how to handle them.
How to navigate the Christmas arrangements and protect your children from conflict
The first Christmas in separate homes can be unsettling for you and for your children too.
- Be gracious and patient with yourself and with your co parent, you are learning your new roles as separated parents and that is not always easy. Don’t try to sort out everything at once, perhaps start with Christmas presents or the school Nativity play before moving on to Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day and think about what your children would want to happen and what you could both do to work around that.
- Avoid discussing the separation around the children, let them watch you two role model a positive relationship as their parents even though you are apart. Think about the best method of communication for the both of you, for some people this might be an app such as Family Wizard which enables you to have a shared family calendar and to message and call through the app keeping it all in one place, it even has a moderator to calm your language down if messages are getting heated!
- Choose a good time to talk not when you are tired, distracted or stressed and make sure you have agreed a time to talk rather than springing it on your co parent. Make a note of the things you’d like to cover so you don’t forget anything and listen as well as speaking. Don’t discuss issues or arrangements around your children. If the conversion is not productive, stop and try again on another day.
- Try not to change the arrangements once they have been settled on unless there is an emergency. It’s important you both learn to trust each other as co parents and sticking to plans helps build that trust.
- Think about what your children might need in both homes, would the same bedding help, will favourite teddies or Christmas pjs travel with the children? Will there be an elf on the shelf in both homes? Are you both going to do Christmas Eve boxes or could you do a joint one? Does Santa come to both houses? These will form positive lasting childhood memories for your children if you can discuss and work out how you are going to do it.
- If you are struggling to agree arrangements between you find someone to help, that might be a mediator, a solicitor or a therapist. You need to find a way to effectively communicate with your co parent so that you can hear what the other is saying, understand it and find a way forward.
- Think about agreeing a Parenting Plan, if you work together on this with a mediator you will consider a number of situations that are likely to arise and agree how you will manage them, this can also include what you agree to communicate about and how as well as arrangements for picking schools or special occasions like birthdays. Always try and put yourself in your co parent’s shoes to really understand their point.
How to navigate splitting gifts
- How have you managed gifts in the past? Did one parent buy? Was a budget agreed? Do you have a shared view on how much should be spent on the children? As a child, I got the same record from both parents, I loved it but it felt like a waste of a present to 8 year old Victoria. (Berlin Take My Breath Away in case you are interested!).
- You might agree that you buy a big present together or that you’ll each spend a similar amount. Try and avoid a competition of who can spend the most or buy the most presents.
- Will the children write a letter to Santa from both homes, or will there be a joint one? Will one of you work out the list and allocate presents between you? Will presents from Santa have the same wrapping paper in both homes? Children are often worried that Santa won’t find them in a new home, imagine how exciting it would be to come down and find the same wrapping paper as the other home? The same stocking or pillow case could really warm your children’s hearts.
- I’ve had clients who continued to do present opening together, I’d only suggest that if you are in a good place. The children should have a magical time where possible at Christmas not be treading on eggshells around their parents.
- A good tradition would be to help your child make or buy a gift for the other parent, this can send a positive message about the separation to the children and shows that even though you are no longer in a relationship, you still have respect for each other.
- What you decide to do with your children doesn’t really matter, what does matter is that you have discussed it, agreed a way forward and stuck to it. That’s good role modelling.”
Travel abroad
- One of the biggest issues for my clients to come to terms with is spending less time with their children upon a separation. What has happened before probably won’t be the same in the future particularly surrounding birthdays and Christmas. This can be really difficult for people to come to terms with.
- It’s not uncommon for one parent to want to spend Christmas abroad, that might be because they have family abroad or they want to take a holiday over the Christmas break.
- Understandably this can be really upsetting for the parent who is left behind.
- A lot depends on how Christmas is shared, some people alternate the special days so not seeing their children over the key days won’t be as difficult for them as someone who sees their children on Christmas Eve one year and Christmas Day the next.
- If you are the parent that wants to go, really try and put yourself in your co parent’s shoes – how would you feel? Is there a compromise around travelling on Boxing Day instead of before the important days? Would your co parent be able to do the same next year? Is this is one off event or will it always be a wish of yours?
- What would your children really want if you asked them? I suspect most young children would want to be at home, older children may enjoy travelling and getting some sunshine in the bleak midwinter.
- Communication is going to be key with this topic, start talking about it sooner rather than later and look for the compromises. If it’s very early on since your separation it may simply be too soon to have a productive conversation about it.
Children feeling sad about their parents no longer being together
- It’s natural for children to feel sad their parents have separated, the first Christmas apart will highlight the changes to their family.
- If you can talk to them together you should, agree in advance what you are going to say, be clear and remember you’ll need to reassure your children repeatedly.
- Children process change and emotions in different ways and with different timescales, don’t be surprised if you think they are making progress and accepting the situation and then regress. Processing emotions following a separation is rarely linear.
- Listen to your children when they are talking to you, remain calm and engaged. Sometimes you can’t fix what is upsetting them but you can listen and let the emotions happen.
- Tell your children it is okay to feel sad or scared and they should show or tell you how they are feeling, they do not need to hide it. Remind your children it is not their fault that you have separated and that your feelings just changed for each other but not for them.
- Remind your children that you both love them and nothing will change that. Acknowledge that it is hard for them and you understand that but that you have made your decision and won’t be changing your minds.
- Give your children permission to love you both and talk to you about the other parent. Tell them you will both be a big part of their life but the family will look a little different but still be a family.
- If you don’t know the answer to something you can be honest and tell them you’ll work it out together and come back to them.”
How to manage wider family such as grandparents
Sometimes it will feel hard enough to sort out the Christmas arrangements without thinking about the wider family on both sides. Both sides of the family are likely to be important to your children, be that Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles or cousins. You may find that family members try to push boundaries, just as they did when you were together, it’s important where you can that you and your co parent think about this in advance and are gracious with time to allow the children to see the wider family at Christmas. If you can both stick to whatever you have agreed holding those boundaries will be beneficial for your children and your co parenting relationship.
Finally, it’s really hard to parent when you are together but especially hard when you are apart. I’ve seen really good co-parenting so I know it’s possible but I know it’s not easy. There is an art to viewing the situation through your children’s eyes and doing what you think is best for them rather than what you’d like. You may need your own emotional support and that might be through a divorce coach, life coach or therapist. Getting this support can help you to acknowledge and navigate your emotions and understand your triggers as well as help you learn coping strategies that work for you.”
If you are really stuck get some help, It’s always best to try and stay away from the courts as that process can be expensive, slow and unsatisfactory but there are other options.
